Reading “Guy-talian Nachos” and “Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders” off of Guy Fieri’s Guy’s American Kitchen Bar Menu was when I realized that I had maybe hit rock bottom. Not because I was in NYC at a Guy Fieri restaurant (also, no shade…. I clearly love Guy), but because I was at work in Chicago and somehow had spent an hour looking at Guy Fieri menus. This was really common for me to spend hours looking at menus and recipes.
Honestly, it’s still something I struggle with, especially from moving across the country.
Food has been my escape since 3rd grade when my parents divorced, both my Grandmas passed, and we were broke AF. My whole entire family gained weight during this time between the emotional eating and eating a lot of fast food because broke AF, which then meant my whole entire family started dieting shortly after. Food went from my escape to my hidden pleasure.
My addiction to food stayed hidden and not so hidden. Although I tried my best to buy junk food at school and hide it under my bed my family would usually find it. I would also get caught waiting for everyone to go to bed so that I can eat a shit ton of ice cream with some privacy. Waiting for everyone to go to bed so I could emotional or binge eat is a habit I didn’t break until after college.
When I was on strict diets I would turn to the internet for my food fix. If I was on Weight Watchers I would spend hours reading their recipe books or looking up recipes online. When Paleo was my thing for a year you better believe I was all up in those paleo blogs for HOURS a day at school, at work, at wherever basically. If I wasn’t obsessing over yummy food then I was obsessing about what I put into my body. There was a summer I never ate more than 1100 calories a day and when I did I would spend 2 hours at the gym just doing cardio.
Food is all I could think about.
It’s hard not to think about food in our society. We are obsessed with it. Who hasn’t accidentally watched one of the cooking shows or food shows for hours? Master Chef Jr is so intense. All of us can’t wait to try the latest food craze or newest restaurant. Have you checked Instagram today? Food every-fucking-where. The #eggporn really gets me because I’m an eggs benedict kind of girl. Fine-ass food is everywhere and we glorify it, which makes it complicated for people like me. Where’s the fine line between foodie and addict?
Straddling that line has been hard for me.
My issues with food seemed at bay for a few years after learning about intuitive eating, better coping skills, and trying to remember it’s just food. Then came change. As soon as I signed my lease to move to LA my old ways started creeping back. There I was (and still am) on menus at work after eating hella Cheetos after I had spent my commute looking up recipes to make. My first month in LA I felt out of control. I was downing Cheetos like no body’s business.
Change is not easy, life is not easy. When we are going through change or anything major it is important to be kind to ourselves. If you’re going through a rough patch and are turning to food don’t spend the next day beating yourself up over it because then you’ll be in a never ending cycle of shit talking yourself, which for me leads to depression. Instead, be kind to yourself and say, “that’s ok that you did that. you’re going through a rough time.” Then ask yourself what feelings triggered the eating. Next time you’re having those feelings try and see if there’s a healthier coping mechanism.
Food is everywhere. It’s hard to not think about it if you’re struggling from an eating disorder. Just remember self-compassion. Take care of yourself and remember that you are worthy no matter what. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder or emotional eating you’re not alone. Y’all I’ve looked up so many Whole30 recipes and I’m not even doing Whole30. I’m going through it right now, but all I can do is be understanding and find other outlets to deal with the stress and anxiety of moving.
Remember compassion and know you aren’t alone.
Inspired by the funkalicious legend- Guy Fieri- whose menus helped me see I needed to seek professional help about my eating, I bring to you the Flavor Town lookbook. Complete with little sunglasses and flames. Thank you to the talented Melissa for taking these dynamite photos.
What I’m Wearing:
Black & White Chunky Sole Boots River Island/Asos
Flame Dress Asos (I got a 14)
Blonde Bob Amazon
Boom shaka laka that’s gangster.